


Reflecting Daydreams

by Aumar



Category: Fiction - Fandom
Genre: Daydreaming, Fluff, Gen, Knitting, Melancholy, Overthinking, Self-Doubt, hair petting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-28 15:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 21,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20780669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aumar/pseuds/Aumar
Summary: Eomma reflects upon the events that took place after her mind is dormant enough to do so.





	1. Knitting

She knits.

Nimble fingers grasp the needle as she absentmindedly hums an old Bollywood tune,the phone is long forgotten probably getting charged with a few local news notifications. As her fingers create soft wooly fabric she mulls over some thoughts, was she perhaps too damn angry at life that she snapped,was it the sting of losing someone in front of her very eyes that made her maybe say some words she would never dare?

She remembers vividly Jasper yelling at her to stop,to not use caps lock to let her anger show,she fought against him and perplexedly wrote pure hate directed towards her love,whom she couldn't face for a day afterwards. School seemed blank with the same energy she radiated so she didn't go today,thinking what earth shattering desicions must have taken place in her absence.

Well,not many that would have mattered more to her.

She stops thinking about that night,having failed to find the root cause of where it all began that she could have easily blamed to let herself off in the apology. She finishes the fabric and loops a button over to wrap around her wrist and smiles proudly to herself having done one good deed since she woke up.

As the bracelet is wrapped on her wrist, she shuts her mind off while brushing the hair out of her eyes.


	2. The War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though the war is over, Eomma stays awake being tortured by flashbacks

Eomma wakes up with a start and huddles herself close,grasping at the blanket for some resemblance of real life, not the hell she woke up from. Its the break of dawn and the fan's whirring goes in sync with her heartbeat as she breathes in and out,hair all over her face. The first night after the exams get over she knew this was bound to happen, the fear of losing more than half the marks,dirtying her reputation she worked so hard to build and the sight of her image crumbling to dust was enough to haunt her for weeks if not months.

"Jasper?" She asks out loud in the dark,though his face is visible to her, he doesn't look much better than her,as he advances to sit next to her on the bed.  
"I'm not a nightmare I tell you." He jokes defensively and she rests her head on his shoulder,"I know you aren't, but what the hell was that?" .  
Jasper stays quiet,mulling the thought over and finally speaks, "its your PTSD coming back again,just-" he pauses,"you look pale as heck jeez,wash your face!"  
Eomma persists,nudging his face with her nose,taking in the fact that he's here to stay,"I will once you tell me." The voice is muffled but firm nonetheless.

"Stress level is high,palpitations high too and mental strain is high,of course you'll get such nightmares,where's that medication of yours?" He'd seen Eomma in much worse states than this but it all seems to come back to how she was nearly three years ago. She's grown so much,he thinks as Eomma pops a few pills and gulps them without water,she has a lot of weakness for a young women but she remains strong, Jasper tenderly asks her," Feeling better?"

Eomma zones out, remembering how darling used ask her the same after she stopped crying, "Very much."

"Just sleep now,wait a second," jasper puts her playlist on and plug the earphones,she takes them in and smiles at him as a silent thanks and closes her eyes.

"Should I tell him what happened?"

Eomma puts one finger up and waves it in front of his face," it doesn't matter,don't."

"As you say,keep hiding shit and get hit" jasper hums under his breath and lets the girl rest,tucking a pillow for her to grasp on if she wakes up again.

After all nightmares never end do they?


	3. TeeShurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As she tidies up her closet something pops up her view and while it doesn't strike a flame at once, something bittersweet keeps her awake later night

As she cleans her room at times she looks up to see the soft yellow walls and what all inspirational quotes she'd hung up to laugh at the placebo effect they had on her,numerous lip balms lie scattered about,a ginornmous jacketed guitar is rested against her walls now,pulled out from an old store room as Eomma tries to get one aesthetic back to an another.

Jasper had argued to change her old mopey playlist with tame impala and get back to Korean music but she persists,saying the tunes are beautiful and nothing could describe her condition better than this.  
She sighs at the mess of old clothes, ranging from black to grey and a ghastly white which she folds away to store now,having no plans to fit in them,waddling about in a large black tee which reaches her knees. Tame impala plays out loud as she sorts out clothes into the ones she'd wear religiously and the ones she wouldn't step out in, perfect.

In the sea of monochrome a soft baby blue fabric pops up,diverting her eyes from the phone to set an another playlist. She holds it up carefully and thumbs the fabric,nothing too special sparking up in her mind,just an old shirt of Darling from ages ago,from when she-

OH

Eomma shakes her head and continued tidying up her room,plugging in her earphones just to make sure she doesn't think of it till her work is finished,she'd become an expert at doing so,as she rose up from ashes the previous terms.

Any kind friend would've done the same as Darling, any one would know that she would like to get rid of her paint stained shirt,any one would've come with her to the restroom had she been scarred from entering it earlier. Darling had said she wanted it back but eomma shyly denied it,the shirt didn't even smell like her,but of lint and those old yellowed newspapers she would put on top of her dingy cupboard.

She sips her coffee,warm and without sugar  
"Coffee is actually very good for one's health" she blurts out thinking thinking maybe he was there,instead its jasper looking out the window,about one hundred percent done with her but smiles nonetheless, "wish you gave me powers to shape shift,so I could change to his form,pretty rad right?"

She turns away from his gaze, "I won't be able to look you in the eye,I only have you now."

Jasper sighs,"Just drink your coffee and think of a genius plan to get him back,I miss him too." 

"Suicide would work," eomma says bitterly,and he laughs at her,"Then I die with you,Asshole. Think of anything else?"

She gulps the remaining sips of her coffee and puts it down, "Can I even get him back? He must be busy so I don't want to disturb..or he's just plain hurt and I'll let him be,its what he wants I assume."

"How did you get Darling back?" Jasper tries to make her remember,how she built back every bit of her crumbled relationship with the girl she loved so dearly,living every moment as it if were her first and last.

"I never got her back." With that she's gone without a word,Jasper's eyes follow her footsteps and he goes back to his dark corner to lie dormant.


	4. Mind palace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eomma goes to the only place where she finds comfort

Tame impala plays on the radio,the lyrics hit her stronger than ever,from being a song to jam or bust a beat,it transitioned into a song to torture her for the mistakes she had made.

Eomma walks in,looking tragically beautiful with pearl earrings,blue flower top and grey loose pants after the outburst she had,downs a whole glass of whiskey in her hand,looking over everyone and lets down her hair,he would have liked it that way,she thinks to herself as more heart wrenching songs play and a few tears escape her eyes,despite her levelled and even breathing.

"You should not be here." 

Eomma looks up from her dainty hands,"Neither should you." With a snarl that sure keeps Jasper from being too close to Eomma,he knew he should not interfere or she'll go down the same path of three years ago.

"Its not your fault,stop holding yourself guilty."

"Oh that," her lips curve into a smile," that won't stop."

Jasper shakes Eomma by her shoulders,"I should call him,this is out of hand!",Eomma looks up at him and takes in his expression,he's worried of course anyone would,"you're not going that path now,I have seen you grow so much I-I cannot let you do this to yourself!"

"Its just a drink,Breezer wasn't shit for me then," she sways a little,holding on to the lean boy,teary cheek on his shoulder,"I royally fucked up this time. I really should not have said all that,shouldn't have talked to him when I was not stable,who knows he must really fucking hate me for this."

"He would." Jasper hums and seats Eomma down,"pure unadulterated love huh?"

"That aint shit to me know." She slurs out from where she's sitting,her long hair reflects the purple lighting with grace,waves coming out due to the tight ponytail.

"Oh my love,Can't you see yourself by my side?" The radio speaks her inner thoughts and does not stop playing Tame Impala,kudos to Jasper who turned it on repeat.


	5. Mesmerism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eomma has girly talk with Jasper

Eomma smiles at her text,eyes crinkling with smugness at the others text,she'd typed out something extra again,probably that she slapped a pizza or forgot to take care of herself again. Its eccentric, one could say it was her opening up but its mostly her outer surface, the one with which she amuses everyone,be it her fashion choices or her unintentionally hilarious replies.

A well put together woman who if you look closely enough will reveal to be fragmented, stuck in the past and running away from future's vice like grip,who envisions the worst,lives her nightmares in daily life and suppresses most of her emotions,turning either very gentlemanly or into a complete incomprehensible mess,yep Thats what describes Eomma the best.

"He likes you so much." Jasper says fondly looking at her texts.

"Everybody does." Eomma lowly states,her purrs sounding low and clear.

"Till how long will you keep it up? This facade of yours?" Jasper presses on.

"Who knows?" Eomma shrugs in her glory.


	6. Drugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eomma thinks of her earlier image of the ever so beautiful Elder and draws walls.

"Why am I suffering with you!?" Jasper moans in pain,shooting a glare at the woman sitting on the bed.

"You're a part of me,lest you forget my dear." Eomma's voice is simple and sweet,which could only mean one thing to Jasper.

He shuddered at her dangerously polite tone and felt a numbness in his legs and a sting in his arms,similar to Eomma whose eyes were wide as saucers.

"This could kill you!" He warns fruitlessly.

Eomma runs a hand through her hair,feeling the short bristles of hair rather than silky long tresses and breaks down,sobbing loudly and hiccuping in her sleeves. Jasper observes and knows,this is probably because of her short tresses,how she thinks everyone hates her for doing so,she's donned the look of a nerd so even the boy she had enchanted will leave her and she will not be able to impress anyone like earlier.

Eomma shakes her head furiously,viens feeling as if lit on fire and brain galloping at a high speed,she blinks and sniffles loudly to get some sense in her mind.  
"At this point,no one cares for me,i could kill myself and no one would fucking bother gor the reason."

"Its not-!" Jasper gets interrupted by a shaky finger on his lips and swallows audibly.

"Literature genius,The prodigy of French and the Mastermind of Social science! Its all a trick,a trick to impress everyone! Because? Because the way i percieve myself should never be disclosed to the public!" She roared in anger and began pacing around the room.

"They may know about stupid things,stupid things are less remembered than boring things so I act all stupid and this gets out a laugh and I love that." She whimpers when she smashes her toe against the wood with a thump.

"Yes you love it." Jasper says,voice tight.

Eomma looks at him,eyes red rimmed with a confused smile "wha-?"

Jasper bolts and holds her shoulders tight as ever,eyes burning into the glassy ones looking outside to rebel. "Yes you love it all,you are a people pleaser. You can not talk about deepest darkest things without laughing or joking. You're nothing but a small spark of people's life,best left forgetten or uncared for,You're two sided with me and others,tell me honestly are you not tired!?"

Tears stream down eomma's cheeks as every word of jasper was a bitter truth. "Yes." She bites back a sob and falls down on the bed into a dazed slumber.

Figures,toxic and long lost loves appear again,with the same smiles as they reduce her to nothing,rub salts in the wounds they cause relentlessly as she fights for her voice to come back to her and if only,she had not taken so many pills she could wake up from her hell of a mind palace.


	7. Elder

Elder's hand and mind are occupied with one thing only,head petting Darling till she was content while they talked about boys and criticised every girl's picture,followed by Elder's snarky remarks and Darling's consistent eye rolls.

Its mid November,with chilly winds and a clear blue sky,the sun beating down relentlessly as always.   
Elder had the simplest looks a young lady could ever sport with a large shirt and furry pants,yet to Darling it looked beautiful as ever,with her long auburn hair tied carelessly into a low pony and a few rebellious strands framing the right side of her face,a balm always on the table to re-apply every 15 minutes religiously.

"I fall out of love." Darling mumbles,thinking over her past relationships.  
Elder brings up a nailed hand to scratch the nape of her neck comfortingly,"Oh young love is one of the complex things to ever exist."  
Darling turns to face Elder with a grin," You've dated before haven't you?"  
Elder looks at her with surprise,"No I have not."

Darling's smile goes wider at her denial,"What about the fact that you guys used to hold hands together?"

"Well it was better than all of these young kids going all touchy and wild okay?" Elder does not think much about him,for he has been deleted from her mind a long while back. Darling wonders on why her first relationship was never talked about by her, but then again for talking with such knowledge surely paid a heavy price.

A price of love.

Elder considers herself mostly unable to even talk to the opposite gender properly,to even give them a hint as her voice remains polite as ever,on the contrary to darling who smacks boys and jokes around with them. Elder could only reminisince about her days in scattered memories.


	8. Cauchemar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a danger night,Jasper and Eomma talk normally

Eomma does constructions,spins the compass around and her mind is dormant enough to measure every arc flawlessly,a smug smile breaching to fall on her thin lips as Jasper quietly observes her.

"No screaming for math problems,Très bien." Jasper comments from where he's curled up and she takes a sip of water from swallowing too much,a few strands of her freshly cut hair come out and she couldve cared less as she lets them obstruct her view.

"Will i ever have a best friend? And are these feelings of immense hurt and hatred common to every adolescent?" Eomma asks,shutting down her notebook and going into deep thought,Sherlock found a best friend much later in his life,did he not spend his childhood quite alone? Then could she not spend her childhood,or whatever was left of it in loneliness?

"You might find someone who you could baffle woth intellect soon,You're fluent in languages,know guitar and have an outstanding memory,you really think no one will ever like you?"

"Why yes,I do think so." Eomma chirps out loud.

"You know no teenager talks like,no girl talks like they're from the nineteenth century and just started a revolution?"

"Which is why the general media will never love me. Despite my knowledge of current internet trends as well,I'm too much." She looks down to her nails.

"Well then what partner would you prefer?" 

She looks up,"why girly talk again jasper?"

"Because it is the only thing that cheers you up apparently." He shrugs.

"Grades make me happy too." Eomma says defiantly.

"Oh that is your mask again."

"True face,if you detect my word as gospel."

Jasper bites back a smile,"which I will not."

"Enough about my ideal partner,what about you my boy?" Eomma changes the topic swiftly and Jasper gasps in shock,"Clever lady,changing the topic huh?"

"Yes but no,in all honesty who would you prefer?"

Jasper breaks his eye contact with Eomma to appear as if he was in deep thought,finally looking up with a grin stretched too wide to be innocent,"I would prefer you."

Eomma is taken aback,Jasper never left her side as his sworn duty to keep her mentally sane to an extent,"Bollocks. Really can't believe what I am hearing."

Jasper chuckles,"Would you not pick him? You know?"

Now Eomma ducks her head in thought,"Even if i would,you are not leaving me,I am riddled whether to choose him as a partner,to choose anyone as a partner because of my past experiences. Yes I do provide humor with my complaints but then too,I'm terrified to be in a relationship with anyone."


	9. Retour pov

I wait in foolish eagerness of my monthly cycle, to quickly down the bottle of pure ethanol diluted with a drug to tone down the burning in my abdomen,it hurts for a while,followed by something trickling but it isn't blood for now.

As soon as a sharp feeling of pain attacks my groin,I could not have been more happy so as to kill it,but clearly Jasper was delighted,"The cranberry woman has come!" referring to the state of my insides as I groan and get the small bottle. Tastes a lot like coconut water to be containing 75% alcohol but still is horrible.

I went to the bathroom to not smell like vinegar and salt,scrubbed myself clean with my blunt newly trimmed nails digging into the soap bar as I foamed myself thoroughly. This is why I bathe without a routine so as to truly unwind and get lost in foam. I avoid the mirror on lathering my shoulder length hair to not look at my body and manage ridding the oils of my scalp just fine.

I light a candle as I dry myself,to let the sweet smell of vanilla engulf the room as my hair dries outside. Here I wonder,why no one else sat in their balcony like I did currently,hands folded and listening to some music with a burning longing to just go out and meet my friends yet being so endearingly afraid of rejection or being turned down that I push the thoughts away and focus on the clear blue sky while running a hand in my soaked hair. 

I come back to my room smelling marvelous enough for me to study for an exam without a frown on my face,arrangements for 2 bottles of water and medications are there,sweets if I wanted to concentrate even more.

The high,as messed up as it is combined with my ridiculous visions is strangely nice. I saw myself die nearly seventeen times and in one I saw my friends,whoever were left surprise me on my birthday with confetti strewn everywhere.

My relationships with my nail varnishes are nore stable than my actual friendships and I grimace on the very fact that tomorrow I have to face people in school and rack my brain for answers,for all my desire to talk to people has alarmingly quietened down. I want to stay in,warm and safe with my vanilla candle,my bottles of nail varnish,the lovely Van Gogh poster temporarily framed above my study table,the numerous bottles of medecines and lastly a tin of sugary sweets to suck on when all my mouth tastes like is sand and bitter from my overdoses.


	10. Falling

Leave it to the great suicidal woman to not deduce when she is being mistreated,Jasper thinks to himself as all he hears from the drawing room is loud blaring hip hop. Sentiment,she's learned from watching Sherlock,that is just a chemical defect and now does not stop reporting that to him.

He heads into the locked room when he hears the faintest of sobs,makes a noise in the back of his throat when he sees her lying down on the couch,hands folded across her ribs and eyes bloodshot.

The removal of a toxic person,the withdrawal of any scraps of affection at once can prove to be fatal,destroys whatever sentiment and warmth inside a person which they had. The woman's mind whirs,cogwheels churning as she relives every single moment where she let her guard down for her,countless times she'd indirectly professed her love to her, oh how she hid her pain when the other girl had found a significant other! 

In just 2 years she felt a bond with the other girl,hoping to keep her to herself only,how she could not articulate just in time how much she loved her but now she's glad for that,her videos and her pictures sting her heart like arrows yet she braves it all.

Jasper would say she was heartbroken but she's a lady of experience,been there and done that. She plonks down her guitar and plucks the strings gently,with simple caresses to tune out the rest of the world and drown in her own sorrow.

"My last made me feel like i would never try again,  
Come closer,I'll give you all my love,  
Cause im sick of falling down,tear me up inside."

His ears perk at that,her last was truly a nightmare to put in a way,she's never tried since then and well,clearly tried and failed this time,Jasper makes a quick show of deleting that woman from her mind palace in front of her. She does not say anything,lips curled in a half smile as she switches the music to more heart wrenching songs,till one song ended only then he heard her speak quietly,eyes closed shut in concentration,"Your lips were so pink everytime I saw them,had to channel my energy somewhere other than staring at them for an hour straight,my!"

"You all right there?" Jasper softly asks her,shaking her limp leg to drag her back into reality.

It takes her a while to sit up,opens her mouth numerous times and closes it,words unable to be formed contrary to when she was talking about the other girl's lips. She tucks a peice of her hair behind her ear to look at Jasper,whose eyes are wide with questions and mouth hanging slightly open in shock at how deranged the woman in front of him had become. Both say nothing,till she sniffles and wraps her arms around him with cries seeming to never end while hiccuping weakly. 

He holds her firmly,jaw slack with immense anger for the girl who didn't think twice before discarding her this way,vowing silently that it will all be so much better in the future.


	11. Private Jokes

Jasper could only look from a distance as Eomma thew up her coffee and biscuits she had gulped down while doing mathematics,skin cold and clammy to the touch she sways about weakly.  
Taking a flask filled with hydrating salts in one hand,she walks to school with an disinterested look,gets her regular energy back while still fearing for her mathematics paper.

"Hi," her partner's voice booms in her ears,a tad bit warmer than before she picked up,"Hello" she says softly and tells him about her hydrating salts and the throwing up,feels a little better taking little sips of her medecine throughout the paper,does not glance even a little at the Woman's direction.  
An announcement is made,that the seniors shall have to attend a full day on their last examination,she clicks her tongue in sympathy for her partner,a smile curled around the edges of her lips.

"You only asked me four questions." He states.  
"I have to be carefull with this boomer roaming around." She whispers.  
She turns her paper towards his direction and her thumbnail inclined towards the first question,he scoffs so as to say 'really?' and Eomma says pitifuly that she was not able to calculate the answer.

"I had a boring partner for mid terms." He says  
"Me too." Eomma replies,eyes focused on her paper  
"Didn't ask me answers,only borrowed stuff from me 'brother can I have a scale? Can I have a pencil?' " He mimics his former partner's tone and the teacher asks him why is he talking during the exams,Eomma chuckles when he puts his head down,"She's a boomer." He gives her a thumbs up,head still down.

"He hid his phone in the," he gestures for her to understand.  
"Ass,yeah you told me." Eomma recalls to see a sheepish expression on his face and her mouth twitches to smile again.  
"I love my phone but I won't hide it there,you know? Imagine if his notifications were on vibrate mode-"  
Eomma thinks for a second with him before bursting into barely controlled peals of laughter,muffling her voice in her shirt sleeves,"That,"she breathes out,"conjured up horrible imagery in my mind." He laughs too as a response before going through his paper again.

"What paper do you have next?" He asks her again unkowningly.  
"French,you asked before too."  
"Right,yeah I did." He admits sheepishly and she giggles quietly in return.

Jasper lost count of how many small genuine smiles Eomma had during speaking to her partner and his heart swelled at her doing so well.


	12. Sickies pov

"Oh dear god." I moan as a dull throb settled in the left side of my head,framed delicately by little sherlock like curls. Interesting expression,sherlock curls.

"Which one is it today?" Jasper asks solemnly but I snicker in response,then shot up to grab my medications with a nod in his direction. The young man braces him for what is about to come next,a round of drugs kicking in and talks.

Talks about anyone in general,the usual hot topics being on how I stopped charming a boy or the woman. The throb in my head increases and I blink away the demons hovering over my head,shifting my attention to my nails on both hands,freshly painted the long ones purple while an urgent repaint is required on the worn out Irene Adler shade bearing right hand.

"Did I inhale anything now?" I ask him and he moves closer to check my body heat with his hand resting on the scruff of my neck,his fingers feel cold compared to my neck and I start squirming when they do not warm up immediately.

"Just the drugs again,you do have a slight case of exertion so please,get a good sleep." His voice is strictly medical and it upsets my already woozy brain,"I want to talk," I whine lowly and he indulges,lets me put my head in his lap as I chuckle,unable to form words.

"Discours Rapporté really fucked you up?" He states more than asking and I weakly nod,the movement sending waves of pain rippling through my head. I  
True enough reported speech was hard in itself,in french the difficulty was god-tier.   
"I kept on seeing her in my french class,her voice echoed as if she was calling me from my old balcony,the one above my tuition centre?" My voice is unsure and betrays my visions which were downright terrible.

"And Kimberly was not there was she? You felt like taking a stroll with your collar turned up in her colony?" Jasper enquires and I wonder how he knew until I realized he was there when I choked out Kimberly's name in the dark teary eyed. I hum in response and he rests his hand on top my head and applies pressure to the aching side,I wrapped my arms loosely around him and closed my eyes.

I never was on the receiving end of all my fussing,could not muster up for others to do the same that I did for them,oh how I'd stiffen up when the woman's fingers lightly trailed on my back in class! I'd fight back any sound that made its way to my mouth. I was used to make the Woman pliant with my nails gently scraping over her neck,my only power I had over her back then.

"I never fail to be amazed at how you got everything mostly correct when you had a fever of 38.4 degrees." Jasper chuckles and pats my back in assurance that this horrible sickness will go away,just like the memories of the Woman who wounded me.


	13. Dearie

"Kumar." Jasper shakes her firmly to wake her out of her nightmare but she's long gone,screaming relentlessly as her mouth is being operated on,blood splattered on the dentist's gloves as a loud whirring sound can be heard. She wakes up with a start,gasping for breath and places a finger inside her mouth to feel the left side of her jaw,still intact and marred by surgery.

She grips his shoulders with a bruising tight grip,wide dark eyes boring into his face before falling back on the sofa with a thud,"Make it stop,"she begs hoarsely as she sniffles into her sleeves.

"I can't," he states as she runs a hand through her hair and hides her face in her sleeves,"I thought you locked the memories? I do not understand so as to," he pauses and presses his palm to the back of her skull,she releases a small sigh at the pressure on her head and stares at Jasper for a full moment,taking in how utterly disturbed he is on seeing her like this,eyes filled with worry and lips pursed together in tension.

"The bagage is screaming to be let out my boy," she softly whispers to him and nudges the hand on her head to let him feel the rapid thumping of her nerves,"I'll live all of my worst moments again before shutting them out for good." She states and frowns when Jasper shakes his head vehemently.

"How much pain will you endure Kumar?" Jasper's voice is choked,on hearing her name she freezes and closes her eyes,to hear people screaming to pass the IV drip and fluids through her body. She opens her eyes again and it stops for a moment,"I don't know."

"You're not a well girl." He states,rocking her back and forth.  
"I am alive however." She smiles at him.

"Champagne or coffee?" He asks after she has stopped crying.  
"Both," she strides over to take the bottle and chuck it in the freezer and pours too much coffee powder in her drink but Jasper lets her do so,for it was a wild night to come and whatever made the girl happy made him happy too.  
Isolation was not the answer but a vanilla candle and a cold glass of chrisp bubbly champagne proved to be otherwise.


	14. Ring a bell

"Romance is dead." Eomma declares while peeling off her navy blue blazer and throwing it in some corner of the room. Jasper's eyes follow her movements as she unbuttons her uniform and shrugs off the skirt and tie,revealing a dark green shirt underneath and kicks off her shoes.

"Romance is dead? How would you know?" Jasper sits near her bed as she splashes water repeatedly on her face.  
Eomma continues washing her face,"It just is,doesn't have the ring to it anymore."  
Jasper hums in agreement and proceeds to throw a towel at her head, which she swiftly catches and rubs her face in,"No subtle hand holdings, actual expression of feelings and actual cheesy ridiculous talks. What do these kids talk about these days? Who's more popular nowadays?"

"Or about drama and oh the physical contact!" Jasper wails,remembering how he saw the woman and one of her many boyfriends kissing while Eomma died on the inside,wishing painfully that it should have been her,gently pressing pecks onto her face.  
"Kissing just has become normal for them children,can't things go slow and informative like in my novels or something? I can't even hug everyone because of my closeness levels!"

"What are you,unromantic?" Jasper leans his face into his hand to see Eomma properly as she conjures up an answer.

"I'm a romantic of the worst kind,having learnt affection from no one, only kisses on the forehead and nudging noses together,craving the smallest to the most skin contact,either running pads of my fingers on their hands or grabbing their waist,small reassuring squeezes on the necks..." Eomma trails off dreamily,hands in the air motioning something to the abyss.

"Now either you can do this when you are married or go live that teenager life and do it all." Jasper suggests and her eyes crinkle up to half moons,"They won't understand my way of affection,such teenagers." She says cringing at her use of words.

"You don't want to make a move on him?"

"I wanted to,but I need a Friend, a kind person to just be myself with. Let me first get a friend,we'll see about my girlfriend or my boyfriend after that alright?" There's something bitter in her tone and Jasper frowns at her.

"You feel lonely don't you?" He coos and Eomma swallows the lump in her throat,eyes becoming wet.  
"Yes." Is all she manages to say properly before jasper holds her in his arms and pats her shaking back to comfort her.

"You've been so brave,so brave my sweet girl, don't forget your milestones. Its perfectly okay to feel lonely all the time,you're going to bloom soon,become the best girl ever!" 

Every single word was true,as she successfully resisted the urge to talk to the woman any given day and had cancelled her movie plan which involved the woman too,she didn't give up on her studies because of her and is trying to move on and love herself for what she is.


	15. Mind palace showdown

Eomma comes back from a tedious book review, her main character had recently been killed off and she had to face the masses with burning pitchforks and made a vow to turn the series around to keep them happy.

Jasper, ever the gentleman takes her coat and hangs it on the nightstand,"How they'd take it?"

Eomma has a smile on her pale lips,"Really well,the masses couldn't relate more with Libby,I saw some people who's eyes were red rimmed,my!"

"You encompass others with your writing,make others want to live in their lifes rather than bringing your character to their mundane life." Jasper says just to see the girl lose her composure and pause.

Eomma's heart blooms in its little cage,pumping blood faster than before and she wordlessly cards a hand through Jasper's forelocks with her dark eyes boring absentmindedly into his brown ones,with that she leaves the main room to change into her house clothing.

Jasper knew exactly what that gesture meant,he'd just struck the world famous author's heartstrings and he could see her smiling so wide in her dressing room as she faces the mirror while removing her hair ornaments given by her dear one and keeping on the red clip as her hair falls to the small of her back in graceful waves of auburn.

She brings some of the hair to feel more beautiful than she already was,dons a mahogany silk dress,the one that complimented her Ill fitting bra which she had earlier hidden with a cotton shirt.

"Jaggery tea for you" Janine,the oldest woman of the palace comes with a steaming cup of brown liquid, she looks eomma up and down and coos,"You have a person coming over?"

Eomma takes the cup from her,"No one I'm afraid."

"By the cut of the dress on your neck,you are sure?" Janine asks,mischief sparkling in her soft blue eyes.

Eomma looks down,with a silent gasp she tugs her collar to not show more expanses of skin than what it displayed. "Ah,got me there. I have to meet the woman."

"Well I best be going,Bea has been demanding I spend time with her than you,mistress." 

Eomma gulps down the tea in one go and puts on her rings,"You be off then,give Bea all my love." She kisses the short Lady on her cheek before descending from her room.

She can feel Jasper's comments forming on the dress and holds up a finger in order to silence him till the woman arrived.

"Oh I haven't seen you in so long!" A voice calls out and eomma digs her nails into her fists.

"Since you became the woman you claim to be impenetrable the fights been on,you always picked up when I thought you were normal." The voice grows alarmingly loud and Jasper shields her from seeing Eomma with a stern look.

"You may see her when she signals so." His disgust is thinly veiled by his polite tone and the woman, all in her black slinky dress smirks at him.

"She'd get rid of you too,she's not human." The woman whispers near Jasper's ear and a chill runs down his spine," I am confident enough she won't last an hour without me,as for you I can say otherwise."

Eomma raises a hand, Jasper swiftly moves out the way and she takes in the woman's look, her charms still making her stomach do flips and her dark eyes soften just enough to show how broken she had become before fixating on her shoes.  
"Are you going to say anything at all?" The woman sneers at her and she visibly whimpers at the abusive memories haunting her,the same cold voice she'd grown to hate all these months.

"Anything you'd tell your popular masses." She doesn't answer the question and her voice is soft and careful.

"You look good in your red dress,I'm loving this new look of yours." The woman coos in fake tones  
"Its mahogany. Don't be." She tears her eyes away from the brown bruise of the woman's creamy skin,jealousy boiling in the pit of her gut.

The woman moves in closer to eomma,positioning herself in her lap,a flash of old memories eliciting a sigh from her. "Oh every guy would have killed to have the closeness you had with me," eomma gulps,eyes fixed away from the woman's gaze,"Come on now," she squirms in her lap in that voice that made eomma stiffen up,"Pet me like you did."

Eomma breathes deeply,knowing there was more the woman had to torment her so she stayed quiet. The woman reached out for eomma's left hand with a bruising grip,"such long nails,pity they're not in my hair where they belong."

Jasper stood by,watching the tension in the room thicken as eomma resisted the urge to melt under her ministrations, "More scars? All for me I bet." Her voice shot up a few notches as she caresses her scarred arm before dropping it and holding her chin,"Are you going to talk to me or should I just leave?" 

Eomma whimpers and brings her hand to curl around the woman's waist,thumbing the lace in her fingers. "I shot up heroin,those are track marks."

"Always the crack head." The woman chides and eomma digs her nails into her thigh with a grip as strong as hers,"Ouch!" She exclaims and pushes herself away from eomma.

"You are a questionable memory and will cease to remain anything else or anything more." Eomma speaks out loud.

The woman tilts her head in interest,"I always meant more to you than anybody else."

"Wishful thinking, you were a force who played a game. But you started enjoying yourself too much." Eomma fixes a lock of hair behind her shoulder.

"There's no such thing as too much." The woman smiles close lipped and eomma feels like throwing up.

"You got carried away,I saw the way you looked at me then, the same wavelength of my thoughts to have you all to myself," Eomma moves closer to her while a knowing smirk,"you thought I'd accept thick and thin to be with you,truth is I never needed you. You didn't make me,you never were the driving force of my personality,you just were a steaming pot of sentiment that I didn't need." 

"Sentiment? What are you talking about?" There's uneasiness in her tone and eomma raises one eyebrow at her in response.

"You," eomma looks condescendingly at her,"telling me I need to show more smiles rather coaxing me into safety,telling me to sugarcoat every word I say,"her dark eyes look over to the glossy ones of the woman "I can go on."

"You'd never be loved by anyone if I didn't tame you! Have a Proper look at yourself,with your big fancy words,no one wants to hear about which cat you encountered or your quirks,you're a fraud who just shows off!" The woman shrieks and eomma genuinely laughs. 

"That's what I'm known for,I'm loved in my own way that draws people to me otherwise who would want a generic woman with no charisma?"

"You call your fucked up past your charisma? I'd tell them the truth about you,see who gets attracted then!" Eomma doesn't even flinch at those words,she'd charmed women and men alike,with her thin lips coated with a red lip tint or bare,with her words or with her uniqueness,the aura of dominance as Jasper told her,makes the women feel safe and the men to have an interest in her afterwards.

"I will let you have the last word and," she raises a hand to cup the woman's face, thumb swiping over her cheek," I hope you know where you stand." Eomma coos at her."Yea hell has a place for you,like you're one of an angel."

Eomma walks up to the woman till her back is against the chair and leans in dangerously close to her and growls, "I may look like a saint but I am no short of a demented Romeo."

"Oh you got angry,that was sad." The woman pouts.

"Jasper,send her out." Her voice is off,not like her deep baritone,as she looks away and her heart twists with hurt,this isn't what she wanted to do with the woman,she would have been running her long nails over her, feeling her give up her control to her and melting into measured kisses which meant nothing to her now. 

"You'll never get over me,Kumar." The woman smiles wolfishly at her.

"Send the woman out will you!?" Eomma roars and the woman is gone in a flash,while she regains her composure in hacked breaths.

jasper wordlessly settles by her knee and a shaking hand grounds itself on his rich caramel hair, he places a hand on her knee and looks up at the girl above her,teeth biting hard into her bottom lip and utterly debauched,"It will all be okay,you were so brave with that foul woman!" 

She groans loudly and holds a hand to her heart,"I didn't want this—" tears fall from her eyes as her accent gets slurred "I wanted her in my arms—" Jasper sighed heavily as he watches the ever so elegant eomma crumble down,"Please I have to say- Apologize to her!" Eomma pleads and brings a hand to her eyes. The inner conflict with her to take the woman's breath away and to never see her again kills her from the inside.

Jasper gets up, patting her to do the same and sits in her chair,positioning her in his lap with her face buried in his shoulder as she sobs relentlessly. He only pats her back in a rhythm, knowing no one had ever tried to comfort her in such a way and it works to an extent.

Bea drags the dead weight Eomma had become tenderly and tucks her in while she's murmuring about how pretty were the woman's lips.

"She'll come around in a week." Bea tells a worried Jasper, "try being around her at night, we don't want the woman torturing her more than what she has."

Jasper nods solemnly and glances sadly over the wreck of a broken girl shivering and gasping in her sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

_ she holds her gently, comfirtably seated between her legs as her nails trail up the silky hair of her neck,running pads of her fingers across the expanse of where her neck meets the spine in a slow rhyme. _

"Kumar,don't you dare die in your sleep." Jasper murmurs next to the sleeping figure who is emitting small pained noises,the fall of moonlight illuminates her tear streaked face, even if Bea wiped her tears away, fresh ones descend nonetheless.

_ they're in a cab,headed home as she leans into the expanse of Elder's shoulder. Its not too late to be suspicious and elder takes a full breath before caressing her soothingly with her long nailed hand,the other on her thigh drumming beats with her nimble fingers. _

"I'm your..best man?" Eomma asks out loud.  
Jasper raises an eyebrow at her question while observing her breathing patterns.

_ "listen to me,its going to be alright—" her voice is cut off by elder who's sobbing on the other end. "My marks- I can't be held back again,I cannot!" "You'll pass." Her voice is calm and firm, elder hacks in some breaths to get a hold of herself "With g-good grades?" She asks,voice cracking halfway. "Yes,with good grades. It will be okay,we both will pass." Elder places the rickety landline away to sniffle loudly. "We go down and do this shit together." Elder hears a faint chuckle on the other side and manages a watery smile before hanging up. _

Jasper wonders what could she be dreaming about or worse,seeing again. She'd exclaimed her mind was like a small projector playing on loop as she slept.

_ elder dons her signature birthday look, a black see through shirt and a grey skirt,stockings compliment her thin legs. She looks up elder up and down with pure adoration and elder schools her heart to not beat so fast. "Do the honors." Elder says quietly,handing her a gold necklace. "Turn around then," she replies and elder does so,pulling her short hair away from her neck,after a while elder can't look at her when she says,"My lovely wife!" as she clasps the necklace onto her. _


	17. Retreat

I mix pure undiluted concoction with a little water in a glass and drink it in one go,releasing a long contained sigh of melancholy.

"They say a genius has an affinity for pains." Jaspers voice is heard across the room,echoing thrice in my chest I turn around to face him with a watery smile,"I think my dear boy," I come in closer with hasty strides,needing some ground before the drug kicked in my viens.

Jasper makes a tutting sound and wraps his arms around me,one snaked around my waist while the other rubs my right shoulder soothingly. I gulp a few times before starting to speak again,"I deserved that,I really did."

He sighs deeply,turning up the heat of the chamber and nudges me to sit down in the arm chair. I can't feel the heat burning bright across the fireplace,I can't feel the texture of the velvet arm chair,the wallpaper starts to blur into an alarmingly familiar one and I forget how to close my mouth when she appears,all honey and cream and silk with graceful feet advancing towards my direction.

"Oh?" It is a short question and i expect a vague remark from her coolly despite my stomach doing flips to grab her wrist and never let go or to start groveling at her feet.

I choose neither, judging by how jasper is looking at me wide eyed in fear.

"What did you see?" He asks softly,placing a warm bowl of lentil water in my hand.

"I saw her again and she was about to say something.." i trail off and drink the lentil water.

"About that,I wish to digress."

"Sure do then," I slurp my bowl rather greedily.

"You did not deserve that,you have a reason to be hurt despite the circumstances."

"I'm not supposed to be hurt by that." I say dismissively,shocked at my own heart still twisting painfully in my chest.

"One day you have got to learn," he takes the empty bowl from my hands and plays with the tip of my nails,dragging them faintly on his own hand and eyes fixed at the hand play. I follow his gaze to my hand and his fingers trace the bumps of my wrist,"You are not invincible."

"I try to be." I say lightly.

"You should not be,you are a woman of many errors and few words but getting hurt is still valid for you,even if you think you are above all adolescents or the general media. Feeling hurt does not require a justification and do not dare make one up when asked." His words take up the old english accent I use in my book launches which makes me crack a small smile.


	18. a study in Aumar

This year started with a power packed January, holidays with visits to beaches and my cousin's places,a stark relief from the biting cold back in my home,a birthday and a goodbye to my long hair with lots of love from people who mattered to me the most.

The short hair helped in focusing for my ninth grade final exams in feburary,I grew inexplicably closer to hobi due to prolonged tuition classes and communicated with yumu through her phone only. I had quite a long phone-less interval which seemed to be never ending yet I managed again with my rickety old phone.

March came with a surprise,the surprise being that I passed in all subjects and was promoted to the daunting tenth grade where I would have my first exposure to board exams with all the topics being tested. It did not feel real as such when I bought the books for the new session and my relationship with hobi strained overtime,her boyfriend scandal did lead to some ugly fights with my mother.

In April I rapidly took on a new personality of a studious girl both at home and at school,scored amazingly well in subjects I scraped through back in ninth weekly tests I felt immensely pleased with myself,knowing I was better without every body who had left me back then,I blasted loads of blatant hip hop,finally the braggy lyrics made some sense to me. I took responsibility for a lot of three things,being the apple of my social science teachers,being a logbook monitor and lastly fighting for the first seats which shook me to my core as I was a backbencher by heart,fighting for the first row of seats created a stroke of grey in my studious character and it stuck with me. The fights were sheer dirty,pulling out almost every trick I knew with my squad just to be seated in the front,drew more attention to me than I wanted and revealed my fighter instinct,a vile filthy malevolent one.

Amidst in May I realized I was falling into a void out of which I did not want to get out of, the only girl who I loved,broke my heart and I knew it was beyond repair,when my menacing front would crumble at home and I wrote about her evilness and heartlessness for as long as 7 months,well till the end of this year.

The entirety of June was spent without her,well I amused myself with a dance performance,for which I practiced for two weeks straight,feeling the old me smiling silly at my still flexible moves . I achieved a milestone by sending something to yumu and felt as if a part of me is now with him to stay even in our darkest moments and owned the dance performance with glamorous makeup and my acquaintance. The loss was something my studies and long hours of individual classes managed to erase to an extent.

July came with perhaps more fighting and feeling absolutely numb and unmoved by my results due to the very fact that they were just the fruits of me avoiding my lost love successfully,weekly tests came and went by and I got lured by her smile once again before breaking away from her,using the excuse of failing in Trigonometry to get away from her. I used my own charm to become friends with the very person I fought with for the seats,making her think I trust her with everything.

August came with a lot of pained confused moments that got my heart in a twist,despite scoring well like never before it apparently was not my best work which crushed me on the PTM day,leading to a reckless action of me walking all the way across a dangerous road on my own with no value for my life then. as for her,she had already become The Woman for me even if I had not watched the sole originate of her name,I had to be with her for a long couple of hours whereas I wanted some sleep and not be lured again into thinking that fights are normal without apologies.

September flowed in without noise and once again I thought I was alright with her,as we went on frequent trips,her words,though I know now they were nothing of hushed honest confessions but only hollow empty words that still made my heart stir in love for her,believing every single word I can never forget how horrible her birthday had been for me,still get unpleasant shivers from it,so many lies just for her and an ugly fight with yumu which resulted in a three week depression downward spiral and even more contact with the woman which did not help my worsened state at all. 

In October I was living my dream life,still without yumu and only her contact with the new brick thrown at me,SHIFTING. Yes shifting,though the idea did excite me for a moment,to be away from the wretched woman and at peace with myself. A part of me wanted to stay and grow old into the very house I took my first steps,with blurred memories of infancy where my father told me to wear slippers and I babbled with a lisp to never wear slippers in the house,no matter how dirty my feet get. My adventures in the tri-colony was an action packed one,picking up strange pieces of garbage and those making its way as showpieces on the so-case. Pre-boards were right on the corner and it was,still feels like the last level before the boss battle where the music gets too fast to comprehend.

In November I visited the woman one last time,still affected by her and my poor heart being smitten over her even if she wounded my heart and bled it dry. An emotional shutdown followed after,with me not responding to her in school nor talking to her on social media. The realization did break on me much later than what was good and I fell back into the same void from which I had pulled myself out of in ninth grade. Hence the first preboard was done with a heart so broken and beyond repair that my otherwise good marks would have a sharp drop predictably. Yumu had my back to an extent that I contemplated slitting my wrists but put the blade down with a sad glare on the sink.

And here we come to December,when my second preboard is still ongoing to the next year's January,with having only one heartbreak which affected me much more than those dozens of people making rumors about me,throwing me away and my self esteem. I was glad that the realization dawned on me even after months of emotional torture. My nails have grown lovely and long which always have a coat of colors suiting me beautifully,as for my body figure I'm still plump which'll go away when I get a bike to ride in my new colony.

A lot happened in this year,bad things and good things. I've learnt not to open up my heart to much and focus on studies,as I have to be better than everybody that I hate.


	19. Angel of codiene

Eomma is currently stuck on a particularly hard French verb question,after mentally pacing back and forth she comes up with the answer, jasper cheers from the corner he tucked himself into,coos at her that sherlock did the same in the hounds of Baskerville.

Eomma doesn't, or didn't miss the woman at all,even if she visited her old home,memories of her were unable to resurface. Eomma did a lot over the new days of the era,watched the episodes of Sherlock which couldn't have made her more happier than what she was,a few episodes of a drama comedy were there too.

She saw the brilliance of Irene Adler and how   
Barring her sentiment she was giving the consulting detective a tough time in cracking the code. She saw how selfless the man truly was,throwing himself in danger so that his best friend could finally stop mourning,god how she admired Sherlock.

"Perhaps a clean slate and a face She'll never get to see is what you need?" Jasper hums behind when she's on vacations and immediately they go to Mind palace.

Eomma downs her mahogany suit and takes a deep breath before taking Jasper's arm and walking down the cellar to her old chamber. Its dusty,when she flicks the light switch all images dance delicately to an unknown tune,the dust flies about,like immaculate snow flakes for the images.

"It is hurting me.." She holds a hand to her heart, which twists pitifully inside,the only person she ever loved turned out to be uncaring and discarded her long ago before she could even recognise. Small tears well up in her eyes and her knees buckle under with pressure of closing her heart.

"Then get rid of the pain, it is what we are here for." Jasper towers the hunched frame of her,his eyes widen when her shoulders straighten.

"Let's begin,pass me the old varsity jacket." Her voice is dead, without any stutters and the image floats to her,in a flash it erupts into flames.  
Her heart feels lighter and Jasper smiles proudly as the cellar gradually gets more brighter.

Eomma's unforgiving in this task,commanding some photos which she thought were her best photos,yet again since these were perceived by her,it ceased to have any relevance in her life again. The burnt ashy residue is swept aside and chucked into trash,the cellar looks good as new,rows and columns of wood frames to hang her memories.

"Now that the room is over-" eomma pants before the room is engulfed into flames and she stands there, still in her black dress from their previous encounter,her eyes glassy and her lips raw red.  
"How could you!?" She wails angrily, advancing towards eomma dangerously fast,"I made you social and this is how you repay me?"

Eomma sighs,knows its her hallucinations again because of her drug problems but replies coolly "I have nothing to prove to you."

"You'll regret losing me!" She bellows.

Eomma chuckles, "oh you'll regret too my darling."

Jasper wondered what the other was doing staring at the end of the cellar, but knew better than interrupting these sorts of moments.


	20. circles

So a new era is now let in motion,with new trends from the very start,a new academic year which will be career defining with huge amounts of studying to scrape through the new year,crushing others in numerous aspects,leaving behind the poisonous masses behind but I feel them right behind my shoulder,2019 is right behind my shoulder who I spare a cursory glance time to time,at any moment I feel like 2019 will pull me back in,with its two lovely arms,one adorned with friendship bracelets while the other is marred with scars. 2019 and I have unfinished business,my character arc is incomplete because a fresh new scar has bloomed in the wake of my scarred heart.

I prefer to keep quiet this year,sparing everybody the irrelevant detail of my crusades or my drug filled adventures,it's hardly important to give these details to others who probably are not the perfect ear to listen and understand what my tone of voice means. I do long for a lovely companion who understands and sees me as the funny charming lead of a British drama rather than extremely polite. Yet the bipolarity that comes with being bilingual shall never go away it seems,but rather than pointing it out loud like I used to,I'll let others think what they want to. High time I have learned some quiet time will do me good,despite having a limited circle of friends which is rapidly shrinking to the point that I will have nobody left by the end of my scholastic year.

Appearance-wise I would switch some things up gladly,by bringing back my lip balm colors with nude undertones and glitzy red shades,nails painted with that neon green for which I have been searching for,or with a blingy french tip,that never fails to catch people's eyes for the left hand,a subtle bubblegum for the right hand. My watch,the only thing that will remain on my left hand which is funny as it has the nails of Chinese empress yet a watch so bulky. I'd put some more subtle and beautiful chains on my right hand,preferably a bracelet of my own works so delicate and elegant that people would be surprised I made it myself. My hair is on the short side right now but till my birthday it will grow long enough to look decent.

Flex wise I would own the coolest keychains,my new pencil pouch will attract a lot of attention,the contents inside would stir up some more questions,black pens,golden trimaxes,a Parker because flex time is always on and lastly a BT21 pen because I need heads to turn around alright. My lightsaber like eraser would perhaps make an appearance,sharpened pencils and dual end color pencils too lest I ever need those horrible things,color pens too to perhaps look sort of cute? A new diary too,not a pretty diary no. A diary of the exact same cover as my beat up rope bonded diary,those old diaries with millennium dates written in gold letters over a brown cover as I can never keep a pretty diary, doing pretty things is way out of my league. The diary is not for flex once,it actually is for my own needs,the trusty beat up diary is bound to retire in a few pages and he needs to know that he will have a worthy successor. Wow, he? Personified the diary in 5 years because I know the diary was a male all along,with its plain looks and worn out binding which I have mended umpteen times with tape.


	21. Fake you out

"Where are we?" Jaspers tone is that of bewilderment.

I sigh in the dingy dark room,"Saint James Infirmary."

"But it is nothing like-"

"I know my boy." My tone gets softer as we sit in the dark room,my right leg resting on the pillow for its horrible pain building up slowly. There is a hollow,something punched in my chest that I cannot put my finger on.

"So is it the stress?" Jasper asks keeping his voice light and the bed dips when he shuffles right next to me,tucking his head right under my chin,getting the hint I tangle my long nailed hand into his brown locks with a sad hum. " I hope so it is,my mind is completely blank."

"Which you presume is unlike your regular self?" I stiffen under the words for a second,not knowing what to say.

"I miss him,I miss him so much." A lump forms in my throat and a few tears leak out. Jasper knew exactly what these moods were,moods where I could not function like the eccentric noble lady I think of myself. Periods where studies do their best to occupy the empty space,the diary gets mindless entries just to blacken the pages and music reveals my heart and soul in some lyrics. Where it takes a turn for the worse and my bad leg just stops to work properly,the abused and bruised flesh burns with each step and I am not the godess in the red robe and red clip anymore.

"He's trying his best to be there for you but you push him away."

"Do I now?" I stare into nothing and frown when the silky hair slips from my fingers to sit up straight,placing a steady hand on my shoulder with a reassuring squeeze,"Your way of talking in such black moods could put anyone off and it is understandable of you. He also hates to see you like this,more than you think."

"It will not go away soon my boy." I state sadly and get up to move out of the dark room with him,the door handle twists and the familiar oceans of stress and expectations roar in my face.

"And we will brave it together." Jasper says knowingly as he holds my arm, we dive into the ocean with a deafening scream and the curtain rises.


	22. Melodies for the Woman

For if words were not enough,if school was not enough,constant instagram stories and small visions of you coming back in my depraved mind were not enough. I see myself so beautiful,elegant,quick witted,charming and with a heart of gold without you,feeling downright in a state of euphoria now that you are gone.

Now,that is not true per say,for I see myself as scruffy,dirty and utterly filthy with words and habits of such desires I dare not disclose for now,perhaps I think with a tolerant smile when I carve your name on the thick mist that has gathered on my window that you suffer in hell and may the higher powers ruin all your years ahead.

Some melodies I associate with you,for songs know me better than you ever did,so when Solder by Fleurie comes on,I weep like a child.  
Single by Neighborhood told the story of a madman,presumably me trying to turn back time to just old days when I was unmindful of sentiment and high as kite before meeting you. The small humming chorus looped over as I sat on a swing,yearning to shut you out of my head.

Ghost by Sleeping Wolf told the tale of my melancholy as I found it difficult to see you like you were earlier,craving to touch you and bring you back to me. Your love felt cold to me and that is when I put on Scary Love by Neighborhood,thinking just like the lyrics,you were too pretty for me and how it is just tough luck with you.

Then electronic beats came to play as I gained more respect and was on a path of self redemption. My Bad Luv was not a song for you,but for me trying drown all wishes of you as I soared high without you.

Blame the sentiment,or the stress of exams that I got attracted to you again,playing Attention by Charlie Puth and One More Night by Maroon 5 as I fruitlessly fought my affinity towards you.

Tame Impala took over as you neglected me so effortlessly, The Less I know The Better flowing like a balm through my ears to my aching heart,soothing whatever cracks in the organ you caused.

When I realized for once and for all that you were perhaps mistreating me from the start, I fought again to get some control of my heart, vented on Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie and Secrets and Lies by Ruelle. those were on loops for months straight,not knowing what else could fit.

Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye came like a breeze on my playlist and the lyrics hit hard home with the admittance of a woman long gone by this point.

Dead To Me by Kali Uchis was the last song,funky,upbeat and had me singing along in full glory,thinking you were right next to me as I pointed in the thin air at nothing.

There are no more songs I'd dedicate to you for the moment,or even in the near future for you are dead to me now.


	23. Little dark Age

Two pain patches on the right shoulder,light ache in the right thigh with bruises on either sides with a slight case of exertion. Jasper asseses the damage Eomma might have whilst sitting hunched over a desk.

She stays rather focused on several topics of physics rather than her ailments and Jasper frowns at her when she tries to stretch but howls in pain.

"That can be done early morning too." He says not looking up from his nails,a sharp hiss is the only reply. Jasper could not do much apart from staring at the yellow wallpaper and not go insane.

"Alright," eomma cracks her knuckles,"we're done here." She wants do to do nothing other than crash on the bed whilst he had better plans.

"Mind Palace. Now,let's get you taken care of." He holds her steady when she begins to limp and soon Bea and Janine come rushing to her,fussing immediately and he can calmly recline in his armchair by the fireplace and pluck the strings of the large guitar who Eomma had drunkenly christened Geronimo.

"Oh dear you better have some water," janine tosses her a water bottle which she catches swiftly with the right hand,only to drop it again with a wince.  
"Ah right,shoulder acting up again,love?" Bea asks,getting some balms and a hair comb.

"It always acts up when I have long hours." Eomma gives a little smile and sips water from a tall glass.


	24. life goes on

the war is over,I keep telling myself although Jasper and He both knew I never came home from the war,it followed me all the way to my mind even after I smiled in sheer happiness when the whole chodampatti was over. perhaps it had begun so extremely noble that by the end I let myself down. I could live just fine with my value being undermined but after numerous doubts in a year meant for studying to full potential? I walked out,left the woman who perhaps was the only one who threw some scraps of affection while I gained critical acclaim for my resilience,was not a humbling factor.

a new year has started and I can only try my best to show myself off as the layered Sherlock Holmes. What could layered mean? showing a range of emotions in a flash for those too daft enough to catch it the second it passes by or to keep a straight face whilst getting insulted and gradually raising my tone to impale someone with an all too sharp pencil.

staying chill has never been the problem,it is the anger that gets too much mockery,seen as a weakness of mine or as my arch nemesis calls me,"All bark and no bite."  
Again none of my acts of violence are justifiable,its meant to scar the person and cause them more hurt than what they might have done to me. My mother tongue seems very immature,to retort to shrieking like an old hag just because someone's words went deep into my damaged self. The effort is to say scathing words perfectly in both my mother tongue and my first language that it reaches the desired masses.

silver piercing still not acquired however the silver ring and long nails are in,hair slowly growing back and makes for an impressive ponytail. The weight loss is underway,can't wreak havoc looking like a teletubby after all. Creativity still skyrocketing with dainty hand-spun bracelets and golden seed bead surfer packs,the paintings of S.H Raza and the wall posters now to be hung on my walls with my skin nearly clearing up as well. I am more than ready to end everyone's career even if I don't feel like it.

I talk a lot with jasper as we both work out the kinks and knots in my personality,my sleep seems to have vanished into a void out where it will never come out. The curtain looks too bright at night,everything appears to be blue contrary to the hushed clementine I witness during my afternoon naps,the fan's whirring freezes my bare arms as I toss and turn about worrying about an another exam already. My eyes snap open in unknown fear still facing the blue room as shadows of murkiest depths manifest themselves in my bedroom corners,they disappear shortly about as I flick the light on and sigh.


	25. life goes on

Life goes on,is it not what they say after all?

Plagued by my past grievances and rapidly declining health,I fluctuate. I see things as what they were and not what they are,the past's been done chained up and it broke loose from my restraints. If my past was a person,she would be in a faded beige shirt,her sunken eyes narrowing in confusion when she eyes the warzone land,became a meadow of wildflowers.

Of course I am in the meadow,far away from my past clad in a mustard billowy sleeved blouse,the bellbottoms hung in place by a brown buckled belt,the hair is worn down but a lovely ribbon is there too,sides combed and side fringes coming out of fashion.I stare at her,my past,the child stuck in time as her gaze fixes on my taller leaner frame,she can tell I am wearing crimson lipstick from this much of a range and chuckles. I tilt my head and she seems to move closer,her smile going from a small curve to reaching her ears and her eyes twinkle,her hair becoming neatly combed,a dark blue shirt resting on her neck a little too low now and a pink pair of pants covering her skinny legs.

I watch with a smirk and lower my head to look at her,her doe eyes staring at my decked up appearance and she simply goes the other way of the meadow,the sunflower yard covering her up as she hops on.

A large hand rests on my shoulder as I stare off,still remembering the child of time. I take notice of the hand and cover it with my own,"You know who I just saw?"

"who did you see?" her voice is strong,deep and rich and I could melt against her if given the opportunity.   
"Myself. From eons ago,I saw myself in this flower field"

She says nothing,but perhaps her pause before squeezing my hand impossibly tight meant all the words she could express.

She's in a summer dress with a light denim jacket hanging on her shoulders,her honey roasted hair open and fluttering about in the wind while my strands do the same on my face,was it unreal to have the goddess Aphrodite standing right next to me?


	26. Who you really are

Eomma looks up with a defiant smirk,she knew the time had come. She had let this slide for too long,trying over and over and failing again. Jasper had seen her hands shake in fright whenever she came back,reeking of gasoline.

"Remember it is not you who's supposed to burn next time yeah?" He'd say,holding her stable with a hand across her back, shouting at Bea to get the shower started and for Janine to get her clothes ready.

They'd ask always and Jasper would give them a curt smile for a reply.

"I'm going out." She announces.

"You have just me for back-up" Jasper warns her.

"Well you'll do fine,fetch me a fresh cannister of gasoline?" She murmurs,heading up to get dressed.  
She looks into the mirror and ignores the crows feet that are on the side of her eyes,after removing the workforce,the whole mansion was just housing Jasper and her for the moment.

Picking a long gown,she frowns, this'll what she's expected there to wear. Shaking her head,she chooses a see through black blouse,grey skirt and sheer black stockings, picks a golden necklace with a heart on it and gets to combing her hair. With the tugs she sees what appears to be soft curls framing her sides of forehead,a small smile comes up as she brushes her hair gingerly,a big grin coming up when she realises that she looks just like her period actress.

"Gasoline's downstairs." Jasper says,just peeking from the door to catch a glimpse of her big grin fading away.

"Be right with you," she grabs her car keys,"do not wait up for me."

"Think once again." Jasper pleads,grabs her arm just when she's skipping away, looking too radiant for some one about to commit arson.

"Too many times Jasper,today you shall be rewarded with a beautiful view!" She's far too jolly,that observation rings in her ears as she pushes some of her fleeting hair away to start the car,fingers drumming onto her pocket.

She starts the car,pulls out a case from her pocket and connects bluetooth to her car,fixes them firmly into her ears and the engine rings too loud for Jasper's convenience, who's eyes follow the car going away into nothing.

Her jaw is slack,both hands on wheel as she drives off,the sky is a dull grey. Pink colors and purple hues come up soon enough and her heart twists painfully,how long did she miss the skies that settled once over this city?

"I could've died right then." Her tone is clipped and its directed to the skies looming pink and purple over her white sedan.

Soon, orange comes up and she knows she's reached. The little earbuds still stuck firmly in her playing sweet melodies so her mind doesn't go into overdrive. Her gold accented shoes clink on the ground,the air is warm and sweet,gives a pleasant tingle to her stockings pulled over her legs. The trees stand tall as ever,the buildings still not whitewashed and the roads are filled with undulating gentle slopes.

Her time is spent going down a large slope,admiring how the sun started setting down,hitting her with orange beams in the face with less heat,the border where she lived once comes up and she jogs her way to her flat. Seeing that the balcony sticking out is barren as ever,but lights are on. A Mournful voilin theme plays on as she walks on the discolored asphalt,turns on her heels with a head tilt.

She walks up the whole slope,slowly as ever and times when she was happily skipping up to meet the woman flash in front of her eyes. Here she was in an outfit too dramatic, whereas on her birth anniversary it was a sweet look,now looked borderline manic. The thick curls of freshly trimmed hair were replaced by long straight hair with side curls,the bare lips had been covered with blood red lipstick. The complexion went from a lovely tan to a sick wheat color,added to her vengeful personality.

She gets the gasoline from the trunk,a slow hymn flows from her little buds as she slams the trunk door. Headed to the right,she paused to think for the best spot to burn first.  
Eommas feet are quick,her hair flapping behind her as she makes a bee line to the parks, sprinkling gasoline on the rocks and gasping lungfulls of breath.

_"Hold on to me! We can't step on the ground!" Her voice is high pitched. Elder shakes her head and grips the slender hand firmly, balancing her body on a steep rock with Younger just behind her,clutching on dear life._

__

__

Elder carefully takes her next step with ease, she's done this too many times. She can feel people stare at them but doesn't care,"Come on now." She coos at the hesitating girl who joins her on the wide flat Rock with a clumsy stretch of her long limbs.

She covers the rocks,the slides and trots her way to the farthest bench.

_ they'd be seated here,after a strenuous study or just to watch the moon set on them,the cold air making younger settle firmly pressed next to Elder. Elder would indulge her,her fingers lightly tapping on her soft neck and the other hand on her thigh. They never spoke of it._

Eomma's heart twists and she falls to her knees, sentiments affecting her ability to stand high and proud of what she's doing. Her hand grabs a fistful of grass as she stands,staggering on her feet with her jaw set tight. She digs out her lighter and steps closer to the bench to set it on fire,it catches a yellow flicker and she steps back to admire the work. 

Her eyes are hard on the rocks as she crouches down to light them up,she swears she can see their footprints in the fire and hear their laughter.

It's getting impossibly hot and the skies are still purple,hovering her head as a mocking. She wipes her eyes with a charred hand before letting the whole ground turn into flames.

The gasoline's pierced,a steady stream on the pungent liquid spills out where ever she's walking,the fire following soon after her.   
There's the building,her strut is nearly gleeful as she breathed into the musky air of her apartment,how the tiles were just like her old home,the cursed third room and the two elegant ceiling fans coming to her mind immediately.

_There's the room where they'd sit right next to each other,perhaps dosing off after a coaching class,or elder would be seated behind her with hands in youngers hair. They never spoke of these moments but when younger had dosed off,elder would press a bittersweet kiss on her forehead and leave for her home. Sometimes younger would tell her to stay the night right next to her,an offer too irresistible to pass up. _

Too many things that belonged to her were there, her shirts in the sea green almirah and the mink brown fur teddy bear,the clear glass cabinet had her perfume. "All the better to burn." She took out the flask carefully,taking a moment to sniff the old perfume before hurling it to the ground. She flicks her lighter onto the spiller liquid,holds the teddy bear above the flame till it develops a flame and throws the burning teddy bear into the almirah. Something in her heart snaps into half and she feels unburdened.

Soon enough the almirah starts smoking too and she kicks it down to fall on the bed,again their bodies are there,cuddled up and relaxed. They do not care that a burning almirah is upon them. She catches a hold of a green shirt lying on the better side of the bed,sets it on fire and swings it into the other room. The main room catches fire and she can see the whole architectural design fall off.

She feels sorry for some sorts,but she'd be lying if she didn't just hear a pained scream. Not her problem anymore,she smears the front door in gasoline and chucks the lighter there only.  
There's fumes everywhere,and eomma has to get to her car just in time that she doesn't die out,her lungs are starting to feel singed by the fire.

Through the smoke she sees the sky more brighter than ever but a slow grey is approaching soon from her hindsight,she goes to the park just below the burning flat to douse it with more liquid and makes it to her car.

She weeps,tears flowing freely her smoked face. The only beautiful place she had built for just the woman was currently burning in flames,the coaching centre building seemed to have caught fire as well. So that was all,she thinks as every tender memory she had goes away,ripping her heart and composure away. The flames are on the road,and when the engine roars on turbo mode,it sparks enough fire for the concrete beside her to start a bright red flame.

each time she tried,she failed miserably,the place giving her painful flashbacks. She'd give up on the driveway, pouring gasoline on her self to burn instead,just not the beautiful serene place she built, anything but that. She's not burning,the city is now. It's a reality too fresh in her face as her tires squeal on the asphalt.

Jasper pulls the curtains quickly when he spots a burning building crashing down,and hopes eomma wasn't under that tree. His hopes are well on time as the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway with a screeching halt rings in his ears.

"Oh dear,my dear!" Jasper smiles proudly and is fast to approach the grimy lady as if she were a war hero,sets her down on the sofa.

Eomma sees Jasper come upto her like a proud general but can't make out why,she's seated down the sofa and looks at her hands. There's burn marks and her hair feels dirty,the earbuds long left in the car.  
"Did you see that?" She mumbles to Jasper who's got a rag cloth and bowls of cold water to clean her up.

"Yes,yes I did." Jasper looks at the lady fondly, and holds her wrist gently to clean the smoke charred hand, she hisses and yawns.

"I.." she pauses,"I loved that woman to death." She seems taken aback at her own words, clearly in shock and trauma still.

"You just had her body burnt,and you have burnt the place which you two shared. She's gone." Jasper carefully picks his words.

Eomma stays silent,deep breaths becoming more ragged as she starts to cry, sniffling with her eyes squeezed shut at realizing what steps she chose to drive the woman from her heart. Perhaps she'll love again,eomma could bring the body back,hell even talk to it.  
"I'll get her back." It's a failed promise,she promised that to her boy and failed him and herself in the process. She knows she can't,but words felt good to speak whilst she was sobbing freely.

Jasper wets the cloth with cold water again and wipes eomma's teary face,"The job is done," he says softly,"you can rest now."


	27. Snowman

Jasper observes eomma,his arms resting idle on the black guitar strumming a little hymn. It has gotten dark due to the stormy clouds and the chatter of fan is the only noise apart from the soft pads of her fingers typing.

"It would be foolish but," she says out loud and he has to blink back from his gaze,the soft blanket draped over her torso shifts as she lies down,fingers idly on the fleece.

"Nothing's foolish to me,say?"

Eomma cracks a smile before it falls,"I think I'm not getting anything back from the love."

"Oh," Jasper leaves the guitar to sit up more attentively,"reminder that you just burnt a city to ashes and didn't tell her,or worse you are a huge romantic."

"Yes yes," eomma's words come out too slow,as if it's painful to get them out of her mouth. "but I feel nothing towards her,I try to feel. I try to open up chambers that I left closed off after the woman." Her voice doesn't waver when she takes mention of that foul lady,it's been too long and she's grown past. 

"You didn't just leave the chambers my dear," Jasper sits beside her shaking form,her hands clench and unclench as if she were holding onto something."I burnt those too,the chambers of love, affection,any soft emotion."

Her brows furrow,"why would you do that?"

Jasper laughs with no humour,"Your orders."

"Well now I cannot feel a single thing for a lady that loves me from the whole of her heart so," there's a wry chuckle. "I'm suspecting it is bordering on toxic." her voice goes cold on the last word,her eyes flash with too many memories still anew.

There's a knock on the main door,followed by the loud doorbell and she jumps out of her bed, Jasper following right after.

"He's here, wasn't expecting" Jasper says breathlessly.

A tall man stands in the main room,his large coat sopping wet from the rain,choppy hair sticking to his scalp. He grimaces when he takes off his shoes.

Eomma makes a low happy purr in her throat and hugs him full force,butting her head into his shoulder while his pruny fingers pat her back,playing with the long hair scattered.

"Oh you two!" He chuckles warmly and looks at Jasper with a grin,coming to hug him as well.

"Oh no no," Jasper tuts and puts his arm between them,"I put your clothes in the guest chamber,go get refreshed!"

" you'll catch a nasty cold otherwise killgrave" eomma pushes him gently in the direction of the guest chamber and he groans.

"Sweethearts your presents though!" He complains when he shuts the door shut.

"We'll not open till you're back!" Jasper shouts and beams at the small bag lying in the corner of the main room. 

Eomma's beaming as she ties her hair up to have no distractions making hot beverages in the kitchen, Jasper trails after her,pushing his shirt sleeves to help with the cups.  
"Without the workforce,I'm still alright." Eomma muses as she heats coffee powder.  
"You're a bloody good coffee maker for sure." Jasper murmurs getting sugar from the cabinets.

"He's definitely tired,did you see the large coat?"  
"Killgrave wears that only when he's taken a schoolyard style beating." eomma frowns at that,still pleased secretly that her conversation about softer emotions was interrupted.

"Schoolyard style beating," she snorts,"if he hears that–" Jasper smiles cheekily taking the coffee syrup from her and pouring the liquid into mugs.

"How's the drinks coming along?" A mop of dark brown hair pops up from the kitchen door.

"Just up in a minute killgrave." Eomma gestures him to sit in his armchair by the fireplace.

Jasper balances the tray carefully, wistfully wanting Bea and janine back for this odd chores when he sets down the tray on the glass table. Eomma takes a large cup in her hands and gives it to the older man who is half asleep.

"Hey," she nudges him and holds his hands to grasp around the warm cup,"up now,we made your favourite coffee."

"Thank you,"his beard disappears behind the cup till two doe brown eyes are staring straight to the fire. Eomma takes her cup drumming fingers against the cool marble, she'd made hers ice cold,all the better to sip in front of a fire. Jasper clinks his lukewarm cup with hers and they sip in comfortable silence.

The older man looks up from his coffee with a pleased sigh,"bring my bag please?" he stretches out his arm,flexing his fingers to warm them up in the fireplace.  
"you tell us how you've been." Jasper settles down on the sofa next facing him.

"Take a schoolyard beating did you?" Eomma teases killgrave,wrapping his frame with a wooly Afghan. He pats her hand and nods at them both,"nothing too much for me,though I've got a bad neck. Something in my head sloshes when I move."

"Oh dear." They both click their tongue in dissatisfaction.

"I'm fine,stop fussing about you two!" He chides gently and gets up slowly from his armchair to join them on the sofa,changing clothes was a big trouble but the warm dry cotton shirt with suit pants and a dark red dressing gown was quite comfortable than his drenched ratty clothing. The Afghan was fluffy against his smoothed down stubble and neck. 

"I'll check your injuries tomorrow and get some pain medications." Eomma murmurs when killgrave extends an arm to wrap her closer to himself,doing the same with the other arm to Jasper.

"Why the surprise to us though?" Jasper questions,tucked into his shoulder.  
"There was a lovely chocolatier in Belgium while I was in eastern Europe,figuring to pick some chocolate bars I thought to drop these by."


	28. Joy of redemption

Eomma takes an abnormally long time holed up in her chamber, Killgrave presses his ear against her ear and can hear her voice, it's sounding harsh but then it's sad and pleading,a few minutes later there's a bark of disbelief from her side. He swears the other voice is female and sounds heartbroken while Eomma steadily says more cruel words to further distress the other lady and hangs up.

There's not a single sound apart from her unbolting the door and stepping into the bathroom,working ice cold water over her face and exhales. Why couldn't she stimulate her head? Was she just too high class? Was she wishing to get someone clever and work driven like her? Couldn't be! Work drive was a defense mechanism in the very most,not to be confused with a personality trait!

"Are you alright?" Jasper asks through the thick oak door,his voice permeates the rigorous splashing of water.

"I'm relieved first of all," eomma Hums,her shortened nails rubbing shampoo in her hair. "She was being too irritating,and she really can't even think! Good god I hate her! Can you believe she was offended when I called her a tubelight?!"

There's venom in her throat but the words are said with longing,as if she wished that it wasn't the case. "Better taking than the woman?" Jasper asks steadily.

Eomma's hand freezes,"presumably, atleast she had me dancing on her fingers and gave me," a short inhale,"dog scraps of love." She exhales,running the soap over her neck and back.

"she didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes well,my dear boy I'll ask you this again" eomma sighs,her voice becoming more and more choked,"can I not be loved in the way I wished I was? Can't anyone just make me feel if I could last a month with my big words?"

"You think you're a fraud for loving her so?"

"No!" Her voice firms up and more loud splashes of water come raining down on the tiles. "I told her too much,she has a part of me now and I can't erase her memory to delete it. She's stolen my softer emotions!" 

"You have those still,no one can empty your softer emotions and no one will ever. You're hoarding it too close to yourself,you have a grip over that tiny bottle so tight,it will crack and hurt you in the process."

He's jerked from his leaning position by the oak door opening and two wide red eyes peak out,"Has killgrave gone?"

"He hasn't,he has to leave in three days. We're waiting in the living room. Dress yourself up,yeah?"

Too many memories rush through her head, another slip up,another love gone. How many more would she try to make? Could she try to not to give her heart out next time? Why wasn't anyone as clever as her?  
Tears flow freely from her eyes as she combs her damp hair in the mirror,her gaze lingers on her mutilated arms in consideration when she rubs lotion into those.  
"Some mistakes get made, that's alright that's okay.." she mutters quietly to her self and comes down to meet the others looking at her with concern.

She heads back to her room,turning music to full volume as she takes a deep breath and holds up the delicate strings containing pearls and a gold star charm wistfully— she wanted this to be on the fair lady's hand and one on her hand itself,since the wish would never be fulfilled,nor was she the perfect lady she wanted for herself. Holding up a knife she carefully cuts away at the strings, letting the beads fall for a split second and crouching to curl them in her fist. She eyes the oak table where she had made them,smiling silly to herself,and throws them into a box, slamming the lid shut tight.

"You put too much emotions in your bracelets." Jasper murmurs, picking at the gold stars and removing the bits of strings attached to those stars.   
"Yes well,how else do I show my love to others?"

"You show your love just fine,people just don't observe." Killgrave answers for Jasper and he looks up from his crouched form at the older man with a smile.  
"We're not sleeping tonight." Eomma declares and heads into the kitchen,putting one hand onto killgrave's shoulder while on her way.

"She's hurt, she's not showing. One more spectacle like this and she'll turn into Sherlock for sure." Collecting the gold stars, Jasper puts onto the dressing table.

"what makes you think," killgrave sits down by the foot of her bed,staring forlornly at the hidden stash of razor blades in her bathroom cabinet,"she hadn't turned into like him?"

Jasper frowns,"she has us to retreat to,she has her boy in France and many others who admire her." It wasn't wrong,she had made many admirers by her responses, generally likeable behaviour and her knack of creating various tidbits of art.

Eomma's feet feel heavy as she brings a large bowl of caramel blocks and milk,her eyes dancing to focus on the large chandelier for a while before inhaling sharply and heading again to her room.

Jasper and killgrave look at the overall slump she's sporting and how the right shoulder and leg have started aching already, Jasper rushes to her side to take the bowls away from her.  
In almost a cat like behaviour eomma crawls up into the bed, reclining into the pillows with a pained hiss.

"So the lady,the former housemaid," killgrave says slowly,"she's gone now? And she fell in love with you?"

"Yes." Eomma's voice waivers,"I had removed her and janine seconds after their tussle,and it felt so wrong.." 

Jasper sits onto her left, letting her put her leg over his own, killgrave reaches one hand and snakes it across her right shoulder and eomma stays resting her head into his neck,all trying not to feel dejected over the fact that once more sentiment got the better of her.

"It felt wrong because you were so used to seeing her as your maid,a mind inferior to yours in every way yet you liked her nonetheless to be around. However when love came into the bigger picture it meant treating her as an equal to you,this you removed her ages ago trying to delete the liking." Jasper coolly explains.

"In the end,I lost to sentiments again." a sniffling sound breaks the silence.

"Oh no no sweetheart,she lost you. Not the other way around! Look at yourself," killgrave rubs the torn muscle with his thumb,"you're beautiful,smart,best sense of humor and create such lovely things! Anyone would want you and you caused Bea to leave! You stood up for yourself and we are proud!"

" First ever separation, should watch out for more actions,"eomma's voice goes small again,"what if the next thing I cut isn't a bracelet thread but my own wrist?"

"Temptations are there yes?" Jasper asks steadily and she gives a small nod.

"But," she starts again,"for a woman I won't do this,for a dumb woman who couldn't make me feel anything. I'm not a jilted lover who's going to cut their hand to deal with this,I wanted to get out of relationship but now what follows after is a long spell of sadness."

"she isn't worth cutting my dear," killgrave pats her long black hair,his voice tinged with anger,"she just isn't worth a single thing."

"Alright,time you ate something. Just because the workforce is gone doesn't mean you're going to ruin your health." Jasper scolds her lightly and passes the bowl full of cereals to her,she eats slowly, sometimes sipping the sweetened milk or eating more caramel blocks. 

They sit in silence until eomma raises her spoonful of cereal next to killgrave with a small expectant smile,"it's your meal,I couldn't-"  
"My treat." Eomma chirps at him.

"Fine by me." He shrugs and accepts the spoonful of caramel blocks.  
Jasper turns up with two spoons,tossing one to killgrave who awkwardly dips his spoon into the large bowl while Jasper takes two quick bites of caramel blocks and milk.

"We'll stay up,yeah?"


	29. Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ever the raging scholar,eomma falls victim to her deathly competitive doubts.

Ever the delightful scholar,her shoulder hitches in her funny walk upstairs,the bulky soles of her black shoes feel light to her legging clad legs,much akin to the large black watch she sports on the left hand,a silver ring clinks on the stair rails as she grips them,a small pause in her step. The brown frames encase two beady black eyes staring in light disbelief at the sight that she made it this far.

Taking a deep breath,she looks down to her uniform,the blue blazer jacket cushioning the weight of the school bag,the tie neatly hidden under her collar.  
Smacking her lips together in anticipation,she could taste her berry chapstick still locking in lovely color,the creme foundation/sunblock sitting just right on her face. Oh she looks lovely,she thinks to herself.

Her strut turns into lighter footsteps when she sees the class empty,a few bags thrown in but students have gone out to roam about but a teacher is sitting already. She asks for permission to come in, even though she knows can just walk in,what's the fun in that.

She picks the first bench,slamming the bag with a small grunt on the chair by her side and reaches out a neatly trimmed hand to take the attendance register to write down today's events starting already.  
"Today I'll be grading and giving your political science papers back,please tell me who all would be absent by then?"

She gives her best smile,remembers how the paper was,and a slight doubt in the last question threatened her getting a full score.  
"Yes ma'am,I actually had a doubt in the last question of my set." her voice is small and measured.

"You've done well though,I wonder what confused you." The teacher says good naturedly.

Oh thank the lords for that! Why thank the lords for that? She studied that bloody chapter on her own did she not?

"Just the language of the question,I'm afraid I wrote the wrong answer by misinterpretation." she says the last word slowly,earlier about to say mistake but the fun in saying long words despite being a Gatling machine of vocabulary was fun.

The teacher gets up from the desk,"I'll leave you to your doubts, fourth period I'll come here to give papers alright?"

Her voice is disciplined as she nods.

Now began the waiting game,was she going to score well or horribly fail? Would that girl,the pretty one with a moderate accent get more than her? 'That'll be over my dead body' she thinks icily.


	30. Chapter 30

"your jacket is blue!" a new classmate points out,as eomma is working,her hair let loose as she reads a paragraph on voting systems.

"i got this years ago out of good performance,i like the color so i still wear it." She responds with a smile and closes her book to go outside.

She gazes into the brick walls,her jaw slackens when bea passes by her, laughing with her lame friends. 'i could do do much better than those giggling idiots. I'm in a class full of idiots.' she groans as she tears a lollipop wrapper and pops the candy in her mouth,heading inside to take attendence register and heading out.

"You don't talk much besides texts or what? You haven't talked to me since school opened!" A girl states and eomma takes one good look at her.  
"Oh don't be offended,I don't talk much to people,I forget they exist." A small laugh,"you can talk to me if you want to." She offers out of good nature and the girl smiles as eomma sits down to take her medication.

Out of her corner she sees bea staring at her in shock that eomma's even made friends and she sends a pointed glare towards her direction and downs her pills with a sigh.


	31. Maria

"..murder on my mind." Eomma chirps irritably.

"Tough day at the leadership?" Jasper asks eomma who's still in her class glaring daggers.  
"Let me get away and then I'll talk." Eomma manages a small smile.

She walks out from her seat,ruffling her hair from the tight pony.  
"Pull another stunt and I'll forget that I knew you since 12 years." She hisses at a girl, eyes squinted.

"Angry are we?" Jasper chortles bumping her shoulder as she excuses herself to the bathroom.  
"Tell me really,am I really dealing with this bullshit?" Eomma sighs, locking herself in the bathroom and jasper leans next to her,digging a bottle out of his suit jacket to hand it to her.

"Thanks for that," eomma takes out a flask of water to down with her pills to calm herself down,bonking her head against the stall door,a hand pinched on the bridge of her nose.

"you're a great leader and i find it completely justifiable if you kill her,well by words. But we're more mature than that surely?" Jasper murmurs

"Yes,we do don't we?"

Footsteps descend to her stall and eomma tenses immediately, Jasper sends a short nod towards her direction and she smiles,eyes focused on the popcorn ceiling as she clinks the pill bottle and rises gracefully, prepared to deal with the stuff thrown at her.

"The teacher is asking for you,come out!"  
Eomma throws the door open,grins at the owner of the voice,her eyes still cold as ice.  
"with pleasure." She chirps and walks back to class.


	32. XO

eomma sits in the back,after throwing her backpack in the front, hands joined together thinking of the lovely house helper she had back at her palace,and how could she be so stupid enough to fall in love with just after the conflicts.

she closes her eyes and opens her mouth to murmur a quiet song.

"She's in love with the concept  
We're in love she just doesn't know it yet  
It's easier if she thinks won  
Cause I don't believe it anymore

And then she says  
I don't think I love you no more  
You never seem to call me lately  
Girl I don't think you knew me at all

I'm not singing for an ex though  
I'm singing because it's over."

the brief memories of herself softly laughing flashes in front of her eyelids and she shivers in disgust,that's weakness,emotions are weak.

"She fooled you,and nothing excuses it,her mental state or yours." Jasper pats her back.

"She will be punished,I'll make sure of that."

Eomma feels a small smile creep up her face as she makes her way to the front bench, getting out a list and grinning madly at it.

Bea comes to the class and her eyes linger at eomma's form laughing with her friends and doing her work with a radiant smile,her short fringes resting on her shoulders, contrasting with the deep blue of her jacket.  
She finds a paper inside her desk and pulls it out of curiosity.

Just an ordinary class list filled with names amd roll numbers of her class,the top name is ofcourse of eomma and it makes her heart flutter while she looks at all the names of the students out of boredom.

She freezes when she sees her roll number on the list,in bold letters it only says 'LIAR' instead of her name.

She whips her head to look at eomma who's still working on her english grammar notebook with the same radiant smile.


	33. Chapter 33

a breezy melody plays and her facade drops,the lips firmly pressed shut turn into a light pout as she plays with her long hair,taking out her compact mirror to re apply a lipbalm.

There bea goes again,and eomma finds it difficult to wipe the dreamy expression of her face and glare, instead she stares shamelessly at her fleeting figure.

she fumbles with her blue blazer,thumbing the rough fabric to bear any semblance to what she is nowadays,a raging scholar. She can't do emotions again.

"You okay?" A classmate asks.

"Oh," she breathes a sigh,"yes I'm fine,just brainstorming"  
Eomma reclines in the seat and puts her legs up, jointed hands support her chin as she closes her eyes and blocks out every other noise.


	34. Fall back

elder takes a sharp inhale, tries to shift but younger blocks her off.

"You abandoned me." said younger,glaring at her the shuddering form.

"Please let me go." Elder feebly says,her chest hurting from the lack of space.

"Im your best friend you can't just abandon me! You heartless bitch!"

Elder pushes weakly at the glaring figure and runs away,her lungs burn and she leaves behind a trail of tears,she still hears younger screaming in rage, throwing words at her like daggers. She must run away,she needs to—

"Earth to kumar!?" Jasper wakes eomma up and her eyes shot open,scanning her surroundings, before focusing on the concerned boy leaning over her. She breathes in and out,rubbing her eyes to get rid of the tears formed.

"Oh god." She murmurs and drinks some water,fisting some of her hair tightly to remind herself where she is.

"talk to me, please talk." Jasper pleads softly and climbs into bed next to her, eomma's hands grip him hard before relaxing.

"i was at school,she was there too. Kept hurting me, wouldn't stop saying that I abandoned her. I felt sorry for her,I wanna meet her." she speaks slowly,voice muffled against Jasper's shoulder. He pulls away from her with a puzzled expression,why would she want to meet the woman when she can't?

"you can't meet her anymore," eomma's eyes squint in confusion,"I'm sorry,you can't meet her."

"where's my uniform?" she asks.

"not here I'm afraid. Where are you right now?"

"Im at home?" 

"Good, I'll be back with a coffee and a fresh jug of water,freshen up yourself."

Eomma swings her legs off the bad and heads to wash her face, she's become more pale,perhaps as pale as the woman too. she rubs in the foamy gel gently and splashes water repeatedly and brushes her teeth vigorously.  
"Morning to you." Jasper throws a towel for her to dry her face on.  
"Why have I become so pale?" She raises her long shirt to see the tan lines on her fair skinned upper arms matches the rest of her arm.  
"Doesn't change the fact you're pretty." 

"Not pretty Jasper," She takes a swig of her coffee,"this paleness,do I look sick?"

"its lack of sunlight,that is all." He reassures her.

"The memories are vivid of her abuses. I thought time could help me forget."

eomma sits in silence drinking her coffee and taking sips of water,trying to drown out the screams of the woman who she still sees in the corner of her eye.


	35. Would that I

"she's coming"

"I'm not moving away,she won't even recognise me"  
There's a tiny ache,a phantom sort of ache as she comes my way,my eyes slow the moment so I can stare at her with all sorts of songs in my little fantasy. The story of the woman who made me dance on her finger tips.

I remember how I was with her,sweet,kind and gentle. My hair wasn't cut up like this,my glasses showed two warm eyes from their frames,my figure was softer,plumper even.

There's bangs in front of my hair,a high pony with green blue metallic highlights,the hairs on my face sleek and straightened,the blazer letting lots of cold air deep into my bones while I suck on a lollipop,some things just don't change,do they?

Enough staring,I think to myself as I blink back to reality, she's gone past me headed towards her class whilst I was staring at nothing like a lovesick fool.  
I make my way to my own class,schooling my expression to something unreadable as I sit and put my hands above my chin,sorting through the numerous thoughts of the woman and my work.

Bea walks in and my eyes dart at her, squinted,lips pressed shut to show my rage.

"You don't like that girl over there too?" A voice interrupts my glaring.  
"she's irresponsible."  
"What did she do?"  
"She just had one job to do and she screwed it up." Job of making me feel loved,normal,human even.


	36. Chapter 36

Eomma's alone in school again and her heart aches at the cold,the blazer resting proudly on her shoulders but her eyes keep seeing younger in front of her,in her lap and whining playfully to her tickling. Her laughter her smile messes with her temper.

The buildings alone and she knows no one is coming for a good 5 minutes, so when a few tears escape her eyes she doesn't wipe them away,keeps seeing the woman's smile and youngers smile morph into one. Sees the smile becoming wicked, feels the grips becoming harsher,hears the words becoming hurtful.

A flash of bright orange erupts from her visual input,then she feels the present being more into force,the city was burnt,the chambers were locked, the body was charred as well,she could still hold her if she wanted to,but it didn't matter anymore. None of it did. 

A cold breeze blows by,seeps through her shirt into her chest,the mother nature reminding her that coldness was the only remedy,that shutting off emotions would help her better,to not put on a cheery grin and start the day made her feel less like a fake.

"You're here early!" a classmate comments. Lost in thought, staring at the window while her heart again starts to feel heavy as she restricts herself to not skip around the class happily and feels a mental task bar displaying 'emotions disabled eighty five percent'

"i live parallel,I don't even wash my face just pulled a coat over me" She replies, irony being she washed her face,applied a light maroon balm and her uniform doesn't look rumpled.


	37. Softcore

"prediction was," a sharp inhale becomes a coughing fit and killgrave smooths a hand down her back,"true."

"It's a prophecy,you lost Dina in year 5, Sylvester in year 6, garnet in year 7, Vernon in year 8, Daniel in year 9,Darling in year—"

Eomma looks at him with her jaw slack,eyes red rimmed and watery. "That's enough,I know I'm horrible at this."

"Since we're nearing another loss, cmon tell me how you lost the others." Killgrave encourages to stop eomma from sporting that lost look,it works somewhat as her eyes sparkle with a brilliant melancholy and her gears spin aa she analyses.

"Dina wasn't my fault,it was classic case of moving. What happened afterwards was a shutdown,so Sylvester followed next. Till year seven garnet was with me and I pushed her away as I hurt all over,Vernon followed when he thought I was plainly insane. Daniel was a sick bastard,on his loss I just missed being abused. I could go to a dominatrix if I want that experience—"

A loud sneeze erupts into a fits of coughs,painful comes as her eyes trickle some tears and her hands have mucus and blood stained phelgm. Jasper hands her a towel to wipe the blood off and fixes a pointed glare at her. He sees the pale skin and the fluffy hair contrast with her hands and feet still shaking,the bangs shielding her hazy eyes. If she dies then he'd blame her boy, he's responsible for triggering the psychosomatic factor, he's responsible she gave up the fight to live.

"You're not responsible for this,kumar." 

Eomma looks upto him within her bangs," I know it's not. And it's not his either."

"You're cutting him slack because you love him!"

Eomma tries to speak but her throat makes a funny noise,she downs a full water bottle,pointing a finger at Jasper to not go.

"He's not responsible for making me suicidal or lose hope in a stupid viral fever. Don't pin this on my boy." She speaks slowly to make her point,her head feels light as she rubs it with one hand and pressing a warm hand to check her thighs,still ice cold.

"Right,it's your love for him making you like this. Im heating up water." Jasper turns sharply on his heel and slams the door loud enough to make her groan in pain.

"No ordinary viral could relapse and make you sick again,it's your head doing this because you've not accepted that he's going."

Eomma lies down and throws an arm over her eyes,the cold limb felt good to her heated eyes. "I hate him. He knows nothing."

Killgrave's brow furrows,"you use that line with Dina ,not him."

"He knows nothing because I've been hiding,and I'll keep doing it." She clears her throat,it stings to do so.


	38. Bastard

Rage,nothing else courses through her veins as she takes out cold milk and sets out a cream separator. If she were dying or recovering, there was just a way about cold coffee that gave her a semblance of things were normal, she'd look to her left and there would be her boy eyeing her dark brown drink with concern.

"It's how I stay normal,or I'd flip. This and the pain meds are lovely." She murmurs to her kitchen tiles and takes out four white pills and lets the bitter taste washed with an even bitter drink.

Her head feels like someone poured cold water inside of an overheated engine,and her eyelids droop in bliss as she roams around to the bedroom and settles in her nest of blankets. Eomma feels her thighs with her palm,pawing at the hardness of muscle and the permanent chilled settled in her bones that even a heater could not make go away.

"That better be hot coffee." Killgrave says,feeling the cold damp cup and sighing sadly.

"I needed something cold. I miss it." Eomma tries to reason.

"At the cost of your throat? You're still unwell."

Funnily enough a shiver makes her hands shake the coffee mug but she catches it before it spills and sets it on a night table. "He's gone."

His eyes widen a little,"surely you don't mean—"

"Yes,he won't talk to me and the last thing I heard him say was that we were crumbling."

"And he didn't talk after that. Could be declaring an ultimatum."

"Ultimatum is a warning,he declared message and just left me." Eomma rubs her eyes, they're getting hazy at the corners.

Killgrave gives a pat on her head,humming as he thinks what will happen to her next, she's watching characters and has embodied their behaviour. She's learnt to be the woman she is by all the men she watches. He doesn't miss the way her eyes harden each day without her boy while showing how miserable she's becoming,her hand rests on her right leg as she gets up and subconsciously limps around the way.

"You know exactly what's going to happen to me,stop thinking." She stares off into distance,her bangs framing her eyes.

"Clever girl," he mumbled and left.

Eomma closes her eyes as she takes her fifth nap of the day,putting her palms inside her thighs and shivers miserably as her palms have become colder than before.

"Are you okay?" A feminine voice asks from the shadow and nears towards her,eomma knows this is a fever induced dream, just keep your eyes closed and she'll go away. But her curiosity gets the best of her and she shifts, groaning weakly as the cold coffee starts to jam her throat and fog her vision.

She's still snow white skin and pretty small nose,lips red as a strawberry and her hair is combed neatly,her doe brown eyes look wider as she stares at eomma.

Eomma tries to ignore that the woman is in her room and coughs into a tissue lying nearby, frowning at the reddish tinge of phelgm and crinkles it up to throw at the woman.

"Kumar, you're gonna die and you can't even face your best friend!?"

She's not a best friend,she was more than that,eomma loved her dammnit .

"Okay," she sits next to her, while eomma keeps her gaze on the door hinge. "You're dying and I just want you to not be alone,I could have invited others too but I thought you wanted to see me..."

Her voice is so soothing,it feels so good to hear her again. She mumbled weakly before clearing her throat.  
"You look very attractive in my head, you're much uglier outside."

The woman smirks at her raspy voice,"so, you've clearly not moved on from me."

Eomma laughs wetly,"that obvious?"

"Yeah,you can't get over your first love till this day. Move on already,why can't you?"

"We used to be a family." Eomma muses.

"Family members DIE,you get over that." She scoffs,taking the chilled arm in her hands and flinching at the bright red marks dotted on her arm.

"Not from you," eomma says smoothly as if she were flirting, but she looks terrified of the arm in her lap,"I'm not using or cutting my arm. You'd be surprised."

"I should go.." woman fixes a sad glare at eomma,one longing look is shared and she looks regretful of what's happened to her. Eomma grabs her sleeve with her fingers,her eyes glassy.

"Listen," the woman coos,and for a moment it's exactly like younger,she nudges their noses together and holds the hand clutching her sleeve,"none of this is real,go back to your boy and don't come to me even when you're desperate."

She tilts her head at that ,"or what?"

"I don't know,but it's no good. Just let me out here."

Eomma throws her legs of the bed with a loud groan and drags her right leg behind her as she undoes the latch,her eyes watching the female figure fade out.


	39. Chapter 39

"tell her that you love her,if you really love her or let her go." I sing song the lines and peel my eyes open.

"Who were you talking to?" Jasper heads in with a steaming machine and three pills.

"The woman,the woman woman." I repeat till he's stopped the shocked expression on his face.

"What happened in there?"

"Well either my brain is letting her go very soon and thus she was crumbling in my head,she told me to let go. Funnily,the woman was kind to me, she's never kind." I chuckled after the word kind,she seemed concerned but it could be something else in my head pretending to be the woman.

"Take your steam and eat the medecine,you want to get better right?"

I did,yes I did. There was so meaning being tragically sick so that my boy would feel any bad or remorse. I'll recover again and it won't be for him. Not this time.

I took the pills from Jasper's hand and began chewing the vitamin c pill,keeping the sour taste on the tip of my tongue


	40. Chapter 40

"hey." A soft voice croons at eomma.

She peels her eyes open, rubs at the yellow crusts formed on her eyelids with her hands. Blinking slowly at the honey haired girl in front of her.

"I'm hallucinating again." Eomma deadpans.

"No, what? You sent for me, can't you remember?" Bea asks.

Eomma opens her mouth to say something but coughs again,and winces as her shoulder aches at the sitting up position.

"I'll be right back." Bea excuses herself and eomma looks around the room confusedly, she can't remember when she sent for bea or why she did it in the first place. 

This has to be some trick, she's hurting,sick and alone without her boy, surely that's why she's seeing another woman.   
"I'm self sabotaging, drinking cold juice and cold coffee." She murmurs,her head bowed low.

Bea sits next to her,a cup of warm water in her hands,her fingers dance on the cup. She had such pretty hands,eomma thinks.  
"Why would you do that to yourself? It'll make you more sick."

Eomma laughs "nothing matters anymore to me,ill go on with my daily life just fine while trying to make myself suffer."

"You don't deserve the suffering." Bea's voice is loud and clear and it rings in her ears as a harsh reminder. Of the opposite,she needed to suffer for all she's done.

"I made you hate me so you could break up. Did it work?" Eomma raises a brow.

Bea sets the warm cup on the bed before shaking her head and eomma laughs again,louder than before and her eyes crinkle. "It should have worked,I acted like a jerk yet here you are." Eomma knows she shouldn't push,they were both treading on something delicate.

"I was missing you, I'm so happy we're talking again." Something in eomma's heart stings at that,her boy was supposed to say this,or she was supposed to say this to him. Instead it was bea,her big brown eyes staring at her with a lovesick expression.

"Not for long,I'm dying." Eomma deadpans again but Bea's smile stays the same.

"Shut up and let me take care of you." Bea hands her the warm water.

"It tastes awful." Eomma groans.

"Warmth heals everything." Bea says,nudging the cup in her hands.

Eomma sighs and takes the cup, thinking if this was a good idea to do this. To call bea out of all people to take care of her. This was selfish,trying to feel something so she doesn't lose her mind without her boy.

"Coins taste, metallic." Eomma whines as she takes a gulp.

"Cmon just a few more cups of warm water, you'll be alright." bea croons again and eomma gives a small smile before gulping more warm water,her eyes fixed to Bea's.

"Goodnight,I hope you sleep well." Bea takes her leave and eomma wants to stop her from leaving,say anything to make her stay while her head was paining and her eyes become foggy.


End file.
